Hot sauce.. will I ever learn?

I recently sent an email of “thanks” to a co-worker who gave me a new bottle of hot sauce to try. I thought I should share:

My buddy-ol-pal Kristian brought a hot sauce into work for me, which I tried last night.

To be fair, Kristian warned me that it was very hot.

After having a drop of it on some macaroni last night I assumed Kristian was exaggerating as it appeared to have no true resemblance of heat. Not realizing that this initial drop was akin to the heat depleted cover of a volcano, with all of it’s face-smashing heat remaining at the core, I proceeded to put more than a dozen more drops of the sauce on my macaroni. The following is a time lapse of what ensued:

1st bite – wow, this packs a punch.
+3 seconds– top of skull feels warm
+5 seconds– top of skull is sweating

2nd bite
+10 seconds- eyelids are sweating

3rd bite
+15 seconds- all I can taste is pain, but I won’t give up

4th through 30 bites
With each bite I assume I’ve hit the peak of agony, but each subsequent bite proves me wrong.
With the last spoonful I congratulate myself on a job well done.

But wait
Is that… is that. Why yes, it’s more pain.
Uncontrollable pain that keeps rising… what to do, what to do?
Seeing no end in site, I run upstairs, grab a new spoon, run downstairs and grab a ¼ tub of ice-cream.
For the next 10 minutes I slap one spoonful after another of ice-cream into my mouth, providing momentary relief from the burn.

… eventually I run out of ice-cream.
After 2 liters of milk directly from the carton, and having more dairy in me than a herd of cows, I was out of options.

The heat and pain came back. I burped and singed my eyebrows.
I decided to lay down and think happy thoughts.
I’m not sure what possessed me to lay under a cover, as it became a mixed blessing upon the first dutch oven.

The bonus being that it drove me to an unconscious state so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain in my face anymore, however, when I woke up in the morning something was very wrong in the core of my digestive track. Running to the bathroom was a non-option as I knew that sudden movement would create a tear in space-time in the general vicinity of my ass. I slowly rolled off the bed and crept silently to the washroom for fear of waking the demon within…

After waking again in a noxious haze in the bathroom, I realized just how glad I was that nobody in my house smoked. Though slightly worried that if anybody in the neighborhood lit a cig it would bring about Armageddon, I decided to throw caution to the wind and jump in the shower. I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was, that any water that came close to my ass either evaporated or turned into 3rd degree burns on the surrounding skin. Having no snow cones on which to sit on, one’s only choice was to rinse off quickly and air dry.

I thought briefly on the way to work that perhaps I should stop by the military barracks and register myself as a weapon of mass destruction, though I quickly realized that I would be self vetting given that nobody would be able to get my signature as they would succumb to exposure well before they could hand me a pen.

Thanks for the hot sauce Kristian. I really enjoyed it!