Anyone that knows me well knows that I love hot food.
Today, me and a pint-sized habanero had an altercation!
On a normal day, I would find a habanero hot, but not like this. It was like a pepper plant and a nuclear power facility mated and out came the hell-bound hot food not fit for man nor beast.
The heat of this pepper was masked by the temperature of the wrap that my loving wife had cooked for me. I was thinking that this was just a damn good and temperature-hot wrap, when in fact the contents of it were liquefying my internal organs. Once I realized that the heat was resulting from the toxic slurry I was shoveling into my mouth, it was already too late.
Of course, refusing to be a pansy, I had to finish the wrap.
The ensuing 10 minutes felt like I had just ran a marathon. Sweat was pouring from my forehead and my ears were ringing like an alarm bell had gone off inside my head. I quickly headed for my kids stash of freezies and feverishly consumed one after another. Just when I thought I had tamed the beast inside my mouth, it lashed back within seconds of finishing the damn thing. As I’m pounding back one freezy after another, I develop the hickups. Unfortunately fate had decided I wasn’t in enough pain. During one rather violent hiccup and a mouthful of frozen deliciousness, my body somehow spewed a freezy-habanero cocktail into my nasal cavity. It felt like someone had punched a hole in my face and poured battery acid directly into my sinuses. My nose starts to run and my eyes start to water immediately. I look like a beaten mule after a 10 day bender (because we all can imagine what that looks like).
While I’m wiping away the snot and involuntary tears, which are now pouring like a fountain out of my face, I feel a rumbling in my stomach and an immediate need to fart.
At this point, seeing that I’m only 20 minutes into the episode, I’m fairly certain there is no way a body can digest food that quickly. I come to the conclusion that the gods-wrath-acid sitting in my stomach actually just burnt it’s way through my organs, rather than paying attention to the suggested route. Not wanting to trust the fart, I decide to excuse myself to the lavatory. It turned out I could have trusted it… kind of. Until today, I had never farted and had searing hot air escape my body. You could have boiled a bathtub! Thank god I wasn’t in the bathtub or I’d be going to the hospital with 3rd degree burns over my entire body!
Needless to say, I will need to remain vigilant while this volcanic by-product makes it’s way through my system. With all the freezies I consumed simply to dull the pain, I suspect I’ll need a snow-cone for my ass in the hours to come (maybe having a sewing kit on hand wouldn’t be such a bad idea either).
Should I never write another blog post again, know that my obsession with hot foods got the better of me. On the up side, despite the seering pain, the wrap was really quite good!